new town, feeling alone, and wanting home...

As I sit here and watch TV in my new apartment, I think about how much those little moments with my family meant to me, I remember what made those moments unforgettable. Sitting on the couch with my mom watching a dumb show, something we later laughed about while sitting in her bed. And now I sit on my couch wishing that she was here to help me laugh and see the joy in things. It's hard to wonder what she is doing and wish I was with her. I never thought this distance in towns would make things so hard.

Even though I have roommates it's as if they don't exist. I just want to be alone and yet I don't. Being alone is hard, especially when you feel like friends are nowhere to be found. I need friends to survive and right now I have friends, I just don't have the kind of friends I need. I mean I have friends, I just need friends that understand me and know who I am. And get that I can be loud and obnoxious yet fun.

I'm just hoping that some time soon I am able to find a friend that I need.

wishes it was all easier

I just read my friends most recent post and just wanted to imprint it into my mind so i could always have it with me. Sometimes i wish writing the way he wrote came so much easier to me, i wish it was the fountain of words that spill out everyday but had meaning and thought and cause behind them.

Maybe one day i'll sit and write without care of what people say, 0r think... but for now i will constantly be aware of my surroundings and what they think of me. It's not healthy i know, but it's so hard to not.

So that's my post for now, and we will have to see what the future holds. :)

Nathan's writing

I try so so hard, I reach so damn far. You mess with my mind, it the point its almost unkind. Your the only one who makes me feel like this, so much so I'll take the risk. I walk that million miles, if only to see your smile. You drive me absolutely crazy, like a fog so hazy. but no matter what I do, I'm still not noticed by you.
-Nathan Krussel

he is such an amazing writer and he is also my friend! :D

love?

you turn around and there standing in front of you is the man or woman you have always dreamed of. You reach out to touch them and they vanish as if they were the fog in the morning, and yet there's still that glimmer of hope that they are real and that you really do have something to believe in, something to love, something to desire. They aren't perfect and you both have your flaws but hell, if you can get past them- love them, with all that's in you.I wish saying this was easier than writing...

is it beautiful?

sometimes you see happiness and wish it could all just go back to the way it was, where you could trust everyone, everyone loved each other, and best friends weren't lost so easily... please don't stop being my best friend...

the way the heart is broken and played with

It hurts so much, the heart that was already broken has broken again. It feels like you took my emotions played with them then threw them to the side of the road like some old piece of gum you didn't like anymore. and although I may be some inanimate object, I have a 'handle with care' sign. who gives a damn about emotions or love or the heart? oh wait everyone except for you... the way you held me then lied to me then held me again then changed your mind. really really smooth! FAIL!

mmmhmmm... :)

isn't weird how you always hope for one thing to happen but don't ever expect it to happen but, when it does it just feels right? And although you don't expect it to happen, everything feels safer and you feel like nothing can get to you because everything is ok? WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? and is it real? is it something i can trust, because as far as i am concerned i feel like i can't trust anything and that honestly scares me. but i guess things happen and life goes on right? oh well, i guess this new excitement will go one...

let's see where it goes! :)

serisously??

for once in your life take responsibility for your fucking actions. Don't expect to stay the same after the shit you did, take responsibility for the fact that she's alone and you do NOTHING but buy new things for the others and expect everything to be ok. it doesn't work that way and it never will, you may want things to go your way well too fucking bad. IT NEVER WILL! you screwed up, I lost respect, I lost trust, I lost my mom's husband... I lost someone who I wanted to be like when i grew up. that's over... way to go! way to do what you want when you want because you are not under "pressure" any more! GO SCREW YOURSELF AND THEN TELL ME IF YOU ARE OK?! ya im angry and you wonder why i don't talk to you... congratulations!!! im talking to you, you happy?? i hope so, cause this is all you're gunna get for a long time.

It's All Feeling Better

Finally... It's not all feeling terrible, I am having high points during my day and I'm glad I am. It feels easier to breathe, to function and to be myself. There's a new bounce in my step, a new joy in my smile, and an easier knowledge of whats up come. I don't have much to say so, the end.

persevere

the day is over and i can't breathe. my head is getting tossed every which way, my heart is being torn out of my chest, i can't see straight, i have to blink continuously to see anything in front of me, but then you come around making life just a little better by saying i love you. you don't even have to say that you just have to make your presence known and i know, i will live and i will persevere...somehow i will.


by Sarah Hemenway

AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!

The night is long and painful, and all i have stuck on my mind is those things that haunt and live with me. It only hurts sometimes, the times when i actually have the time to sit and ponder about what is happening? what has happened? and what will happen? will things get worse? will they get better, and yet through all the sh*t i go through i some how know that at the end something good will come out. will something? then that thought crosses my mind and i'm stuck again.
WHAT THE HELL, none of this was supposed to happen to me. ya i'm human, ya sh*t happens, ya i have people who love me, ya God wants the best for me but why is it so freekin hard for me to see the happiest moments in my life when all I have in front of me is crap upon crap upon crap. i mean seriously, i am 18 years old, i still have another 82 years! why now, why not when i am 30 and it's easier for me to handle, or when i'm 60 and i have the right thing to say and the right things to do, BUT NO! it had to be at 18! thanks a lot! i really appreciate it... whatever! one side of me wants to give up, the other just says 'be the strong one' and another says 'breathe everything will work out' when all i can do is a freekin decision... it's me, its Sarah, its Sarah Bess Hemenway who has to figure what her life is doing and go from there.

i think i'm done... for now

what will i ever do?

hi, so I'm new to all of this. but there is so much in my head that needs to be let out, so I thought this would be a good place to start. For now, I will say that a lot of my posts may be random quotes by me, or how I feel about a specific subject or just how I am feeling that day, because lately there are a lot of different feelings going through me. :D The posts may even be some lyrics that I wanted to write/type out. that's all for now... I have to finish writing a paper.